I've had it with these American Idol hopefuls who, season after season, persist in warbling over-sung, over-dramatic tunes.
Idol 101 tells you:
1. Never, EVER, attempt a song that's too big for you. That means, no Celine, Mariah, Whitney, Christina or Aretha, unless you've been singing gospel in choir robes since you were three.
2. Never sing a ballad in the semi-finals. And if you do, pick one that's never been done. Like Beatbox boy singing Keane's "Somewhere only we know".
3. For goodness sake, learn from the previous seasons and don't sing the same songs as previous contestants! Unless you can make it unique!
4. It is never okay to sing Richard Marx in any way, shape or form.
5. Do not embarass yourself by not knowing the original artist of the song you pick. For example:
ACCEPTABLE = "Tonight, I'm going to sing Moondance by Van Morrison."
NOT ACCEPTABLE = "Tonight, I'm going to sing Moondance by Michael Buble."
It is generally agreed upon that Michael Buble is to jazz what Il Divo is to classical opera. So, if I hear one more person say, "I'm going to sing Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Michael Buble", I shall beat my chest, rend my clothes and will forever only play The Greatest Hits of Queen on my ipod.
Omigod, deja vu. For those of you who have read "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, you'll know what I mean!
Right. Now that I've got that off my chest, I've got an idea for my next poll.
What's the worst remake ever?
Top of my list is probably a tie between All Saints' desecration of the Red Hot Chili Peppers classic "Under the Bridge" and Atomic Kitten soft-porning their way through The Bangles' "Eternal Flame". Oh wait, then there's Phil Collins' "Groovy Kind of Love" and some weirdo singing Extreme's "More Than Words"!